Fairly simple question. So are you? Now, overall, today, yesterday, the future, whatever.

If you are and you have been, what do find makes you continously happy, or at least in general? Is it something that you look for in the future? Is it your faith in something? The people around you?

Do you even think it is possible to be genuinely happy? Or are we just kidding ourselves?

Just a thought I was wondering about today.

May U Live 2 See The Dawn

Give me your favorite female names. I have a few characters that I have to label and when I pick out names myself, I tend to pull names from people in my life, and then I subconsciously make that fictional character like the person's name who I took.

So give me some women's names you like. Only one character have a specific for, as the character is Slavic. I picked out Zuzana, but it's not a definite. So if you have a Slavic name you like (Russian and German would be plausible too) let me know.

Thanks.

May U Live 2 See The Dawn

Is there anyway that a person can just get through life without all the unpleasantness? I swear to God, I get paid today, and by the end of the day, I am broke. Am I really that naive of a person to think that my meager wages can provide for a family? Do I not kick myself in the ass everyday because I shorted myself on my education and have to work jobs that only a high school graduate can get? Yes, yes I do.

Should I have to not spoil my children because I can't, not because I don't want to? No, I shouldn't. Am I the most ignorant dumbass on the planet to insist that I'd rather my wife stay home with our children than work and let a daycare raise them? I sure feel like it some days.

On the other hand, I down a few beers and I feel better. That's not a good problem solver. Shit, that's just making things worse. Oh hello, here's reality beating your door down come morning.

Then to top it all off, my sister-in-law (I'm not angry with her, just the situation) ends up getting/buying the event that I wanted to get my wife for her birthday, so that we could go together, and she (my wife) is going to go with her. And dammit, I can't seem to stay mad. Why can't I tell my wife that's what I had planned? Why can't I be mad?

No I shut my mouth and say nothing, fume, drink, and then post here to anonymous people that probably don't care.

Grrr. Sometimes I hate myself for it. Oh hell, I always do. Whether it is negative or positive, why can't I just express myself like most people do? Most people find it quite natural. Me? It's like it's an effort.

I think maybe beer and blowing some shit up playing Halo 2 will extinguish my frustration. Maybe.

May U Live 2 See The Dawn

Been working on this story I told you about a month or so ago still. I've finally developed most of the story and where I want to go with it. Though I have only written about 40 pages so far of the actual story. But at least I am still working on it, and making myself be loyal to it. It may be a year in the making, but it's been in my head for years.

I figure I have nothing really to loose. If it doesn't take off, I still am doing something I enjoy, and if anything it will help me fine tune my writing skills and maybe one day I will write a sucessful story.

May U Live 2 See The Dawn

So I decided to go ahead and do the rest of the grocery shopping tonight instead of staying at home at watching porn and getting drunk. And guess what?

I am getting ready to enter one of the frozen food isles and three attractive young ladies approach me. The one young lady says . . .

"It may be strange, but can I ask if there is anything that you need us to prayer over you for?"

I answer her that I haven't been spiritual or had a relationship with God in over ten years. I explain to her that it is because I was raised in religion instead of with the Bible itself. And that because of the stuggle that my children went through to live, due to being born premature, that I was bitter towards a supposed loving god that would allow these things to happen.

I talked with them there in the frozen food isle of Wal-Mart for about 45 minutes about my lack of spirituality and my bitterness towards god.

In the end she asked if I would mind if she would pray for my children and asked me their names.

I knew I shouldn't have had those three beers before I went to Wal-Mart. I just had this alcohol glazed honesty about me that had me saying things to strangers that I wouldn't normally say.

So I experienced this instead of porn and more beer. Hmmmm.

May U Live 2 See The Dawn