I once thought that the world was an evil place. That there were things out there in this world that would do nothing but devour me whole. Take whatever was left of me and regurgitate it, only to devour me one more time. I was under the impression that the evil of this world resided outside of where I was "safe".
What is safe?
There was a blanket, force field (for the sci-fi geeks) around me that prevented the evil from invading my person. From inflicting me from the inside, and eating its way until my intestines where laying in front of my hemorrhaging body. The shock and blood loss would be so much that my meager body would be unable to sustain itself. It would clatter to the floor, where my crimson red soul, would pour out and grow further and further, until it thinned so much that my soul was washed away.
Since then, things have changed. My perceptions have changed. I have changed. There is evil in the world. But they are not always so easy to pinpoint. They are alluring and illusive. The things that at once seemed were evil, were really no more evil than the "good" that surrounded me.
Remember the Sam and Ralph cartoons on Looney Tunes? Sam was a sheepdog and Ralph was a wolf. I always remember this one instance where Ralph tries to steal one of the sheep from Sam by dressing up as Little Bo Pep, and tried to lead the sheep away, as if he had good intentions. Sam was always able to see through Ralph's disguises. The cartoons always made Sam out to be the hero, and the violence that he inflicted on Ralph was righteous as he was trying to protect the sheep from the ravenous carnivore.
It may be a cartoon, but it still illustrates the perceptions of "good" and "evil". Was Ralph really evil? Or was he just a squirrel trying to get a nut? Who was Sam to stop him from living his life?
There are so many things that change as a person gets older, I think. We see things through our own eyes, not like when we were kids. When what we were "given" to see by our parents. And I think that is why so many relationships change between a child and their parents as they get older. But ohh how we come to understand some of the reasons that our parents did what they did as we raise children of our own. And no matter the bitterness that we may think that we have towards them, because of something that they might have done to us (which some obvious violent exceptions) we understand why they did it, maybe just not how.
And so my soul just kind of dangles in some kind of limbo. Somewhere between the perceived "good" and "evil". Unable to discern what is what, and who is who. Wondering just what has happened to the light that use to feel abundant in my soul. Now filled with the darkness of uncertainty and the unexplained. The things that I once thought that I had a grasp on, now dissipate from in front of me. Like the allusive fog that always seems in front of you, but you can never reach out to it. Hiding and covering what it is that we are searching for in life. So that we become frustrated and angry. Until we lash out with the pent up anger of a tired, young child.
The darkness covers you. You reach out for a hand that isn't there. Hoping with all hope that there might be someone there waiting for you. But sometimes there isn't. Your abandon alone in the vile darkness that consumes you to the point of exhaustion. So you fail to keep fighting, you give up. And without the help that you thought that you were going to get, it seems inevitable that there will be no escaping this void.
But there is light in this darkness. There is someone there for you, you just have to look hard and methodically though the dank darkness. If you keep fighting and keep looking, then you will find your light. Whether it was in you all along, or was residing in a person that you never expected.
May U Live 2 See The Dawn
"I'm the key figure in an ongoing government charade, a plot to conceal the truth about extraterrestrials. Its a global conspiracy, actually, with key players in the highest levels of powers, and it reaches down into the lives of every man, woman and child on this planet. So, of course, no one believes me. I'm a -- I'm an annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers. They call me "Spooky" -- Spooky Mulder, whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid, and now he chases after little green men, with a badge and a gun, shouting to the heavens or anyone who'll listen that the fix is in, and that the sky if falling, and when it hits, it's gonna be the shit storm of all time."
May U Live 2 See The Dawn
May The Force Be With You
May U Live 2 See The Dawn
May U Live 2 See The Dawn
