There are some things that probably shouldn't be said. But that being said, I will say them. Sex is not something that people readily talk about. There are things that people fear that they will be judged by. Why I have no clue. What is done by consenting adults is no one's buisness but theirs.
You remember back in a post I wrote, I believe it was "Eternal Damnation", about something that I did in my past that I was afraid of being judged by my wife. And I guess I had a good reason. So if you want to hear the story, go ahead and keep on reading, if not, hit your back button.
For those of you that don't know, my wife and I met through the internet. Well, I met her quite early in my adventures on WebTV (bonus points for those who know what that is), but at the time we were just friends talking on the internet about our common interest in the TV show X-Files. But before we realized that there was more to our relationship than friendship, I was talking to another woman, with the intentions of romance. Her name was Tracy. She lived on the east coast and had a farm and breeded bulls. As I got to know her there were things about her that I learned. For one, the reason that I stopped talking to her, she had a prejudice to African-Americans. But before that, I shared something with her, in an attempt to be honest, so that she would know some of the things about my past. As I believe that honesty is always the best policy, and this experience just strenghtened that sentiment further.
Before any of this had happend, when I was "finding" myself, I experimented with many things. I guess back when this took place, when I was in my late teens, early twenties, I wasn't sure just who I was. But there was something about taking a submissive stance when it came to women. I never really wanted to be the dominate person in the relationship. Most of that comes from not wanting to be confrontational. I have always been that way. I would loose an argument, just to not have to get into one. But when you aply that sentiment to sex, it becomes very different. At least some would want you to believe that. Why I don't know, but then there are always things that I will never understand.
I decided to find out what it was that was wrong with me. I felt that there was nothing that the mainstream world could offer me. So I decided to try something that wasn't in any way mainstream. But that wasn't why I did it. I did it to understand what it was that I felt was wrong with me. But what I found wasn't what I was expecting at all. Why is that? Because I had no idea what it was I should expect. A good example. I'm sure many, at least men, had watched a pornographic movie before they actully engaged in sex, with someone from the opposite sex. Well "real" sex is nothing like "porno" sex. So what I was searching for was nothing like what I found because media, does in no way have an unbaised view on such things.
You are probably wondering what in the hell I am talking about. I'm beating around the bush aint I? Sorry.
What I am talking about is dominant sexual practices. As far as the woman is concerned. For almost a year, I visited the same mistress. It was much of an attempt to find who I was. I engaged in all kinds of submission and torture. There was something about taking the orders from a woman. Letting her tell me what I wanted. A woman to tell me what I wanted, and then to procced to give it to me, whether I said I wanted it or not. I don't know if that is some kind of demenita that I will no doubt get many comments on, or if it is just flat out normal.
Disgusted? Sickened? I don't know why the hell I decided to tell you all about this. I'm sure, much to Miss Misty's dismay, it has alot to do with amount of alcohol I have ingested. But more importantly, it has alot to do with accepting people as who they are, and leaving the judgement to those that have the authority. Who that is I don't know.
Food for thought. When I wake up in the morning and check my posts for comments and wonder what in the hell I was doing posting something like this, I will probably delete it. But knowing me, and me being comfortable with who I am, I probably won't.
My point is that, no matter what it is that gets your boat floating, it is really okay. There is nothing wrong with what gets your blood boiling as long as the participating partner is okay with it.
What should I do? Is there something that is just not right with me? Or is it that there is just not something right with everyone else?
May U Live 2 See The Dawn
<-----------------------And even more
May U Live 2 See The Dawn
There is an angel that resides with us all. It is that person that means so much and makes up so much of your world, that you'd cut out your own heart, all they would have to do is ask. That person that you love more than oxygen. That angel that such beautiful words can't even accuratly describe. And yet, we hurt them. We take advantage of them sometimes. And it is not always, with menevolent intentions. It's just that we are humans, and sometimes we only think of ourselves. What I want, what I need, what I like. Never thinking that these wants and desires, although not necessary for life, sometimes hurts the ones we love. So you ask yourself, why? Instincts. Man has them, they are inside of us all. The same basic desires, food, procreation, preservation of our life, and play. Animals and man alike, need these things. But it is the excess to which we engage in them. Nothing in excess is good. Nothing that hurts your angel is worth doing. And I'll be damned if it doesn't happen again. Someday your angel may get tired of this shit. Someday. You never know.
