I swear if one more person asks me if I think that Spider-Man 3 was a good movie, I am going to SCREAM!!!!

Topher Grace??!!! Tobey Maguire goth??!!!

God, I hope Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is better than the first FF movie.

That reminds me I need to rent Ghost Rider . . .

Am I the only one that doesn't see the resemblence?

                            

                      Jessica Alba                                                        Invisible Woman

 

And, yes, I am a geek . . . but I am okay with that.

"To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems." -- Homer Simpson

 

Let's see, I know that I haven't yet got in touch with a therapist yet. My fellow comic geek, turned me to two free services that are here by my house. He works with some seriously fucked up people. He has a state job where he has to deal with molesters, rapist, abuser (of all kinds) and just some sick mother-fuckers. I believe he is the one that turns them to services like this once they have served their sentence, if they get one. Something like a parole office, I guess.

Anywho, between the two services he turned me to, and the priest (haha can you imagine, Adam the nihilist/agnostic in a church, for Christ's sake) his wife talked to me about, I have some people to talk to, just haven't done it yet.

I'm cutting down really well. Well I mean I am not doing well about it, in the physical withdrawals/addictions are a bitch. I meant I am doing well in not drinking as much. My goal may be to be able to enjoy it as normal people do, not in excess, and if that doesn't work, then I will absolve it all together. Because I totally don't want to be one of those people that others are afraid to drink around because of my problem.

The most that I have had since I posted the last post was 5 beers one weekend day, or one evening I had one beer and three mixed drinks. I'm gradually trying to cut it down, but shit it's a bitch. Even if I cut this out, I still got my mother on me for my snuff habit too. God, I'm self-destructive.

Well anyway, just wanted to let you all know I was alive. I appreciate all yall's comments on the last post. I feel at home here and I thank you all for your support. Please don't think because we have an Internet relationship, that you can't help me. Your words have been a blessing (and believe me, I don't use that word often). Thanks again, and take care all.

Have you ever known one of those people that never wants to ask for help? Not too proud to ask . . . maybe ashamed.

I hate not being able to be who I should. Giving in to my weaknesses and being selfish. I hate being me. With all my fucked up views and twisted look on life. Most of all I hate myself for letting something control my life for the past 13 years.

I sit here, knowing that I need help. But I don't want to get it. It is a evil rut that I have allowed myself to fall into and stay in. I've done some stupid things, embarrassed my love and I'm sure my sons. I continued to make the CHOICE to continue on the path that I am on. I will never say that it wasn't my choice. My body doesn't control me. I allow my body to be controlled by what it is. That I will always own up to. This stuff, this stuff that I allow to control me through my decision each time I consume it. It didn't use to control me. Or maybe it did from the first drink. I'd like to think that I lost control, and that maybe at one time I was in control.

It scares me to think I need help. I don't like to share. Yeah here it is easy. Anonymously over the Internet is always easier. But I must face this. I cannot ignore it. Maybe I do need help. Shit I don't even know why I do it anymore. The reason has been lost over time, and the compulsion is still there, even if the reason is not. Maybe the reason is still there and I just don't want to face it. I don't want to admit that things hurt me. I don't want to be a slave to my feelings. I want to conquer them, so that I can be a stable father and husband. I can't do that if I let every little thing bother me. But I can't do it looking at the bottom of a bottle either. It's just easier to.

I was told that the events of Marc's birth killed me emotionally. And it's true. She knows me more than I know myself. She can read me, when I want to ignore myself. I did though. I killed my emotions. I didn't need them anymore. I didn't need anything but my logic to help this 3 month early, 2 pound child survive and live. I left my emotions and God behind. Neither one of them ever served a purpose for him. He needed me to be stable and collected. Not praying to a closed ear or crying. Neither one helped him. I had to do what helped him. If God wouldn't, I had to. And the doctors and nurses that worked 24/7 to insure that he lived to be who he is today. So I looked for my answer where I was already comfortable looking for it. I guess I never did wash away all my problems. There still there, just a bit pickled.

It may sound like a bad thing, but this is the closest I can explain as to why I do what I do and did what I did. You are ever so special to me, and I am sorry for this life I have lead you into. I promise that I will get help. For you, but mostly for me. That's the only way I can stay on the right road.

 

 

You ask me if I love you and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truths
A hesitant prizefighter still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you and drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through and hold you endlessly
At times I understand you and I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
and I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters, still searching for a friend,
A brother or a sister, but then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

May We Live 2 See The Dawn

 

You Have Your Emotions in Check

You are an incredibly stable and happy person. Ever consider being a therapist? You have figured out how to keep a positive outlook, no matter what. You don't have an easier life than anyone else. You just have figured things out a little more.

This is about the biggest compliment I can get. The day my emotions run me is the day I stop being me.

Your Sensitivity Score: 56%

As far as sensitivity goes, you're a lot more in tune than most people. You can't help but be touched by what's around you - good and bad. But when things do get really bad around you, you are strong enough not to break down.

Well I am a man, aren't I? 8-)

You Are 69% Perfectionist

You are a true perfectionist. You are both demanding of yourself and others. While it's great to have goals and standards, they don't need to be sky high!

That's the OCD in me.

You Are 48% Sociopath

You're not a sociopath, but you're very prone to antisocial behavior. Other people's opinions matter little to you. You live your own fringe life - for better or worse.

I dunno if I want to be considered a sociopath to be able to say that about other people's opinions. I value them, but I don't let them overrun what I think. As long as both involved can respect each other's opinions then, it's okay. It those foul mouthed little chuckleheads that denouce others opinions while aseat their high horse.